


My Life is No Longer My Own

by ThefirstRanger



Category: Ranger's Apprentice - John Flanagan
Genre: Book 7 - Ranger's Apprentice: Erak's Ransom, F/M, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22689025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThefirstRanger/pseuds/ThefirstRanger
Summary: "Halt comes back home from the Arridan mission (from B7) to the wife he left mere day after their wedding. He's never been very bothered by the prospect of his own death, but now, looking back on the events of past weeks, he realises his life no longer belongs to him only."
Relationships: Pauline duLacy/Halt O'Carrick
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13
Collections: Ranger's Apprentice Valentine's Day Gift Exchange





	My Life is No Longer My Own

**Author's Note:**

  * For [VileWile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VileWile/gifts).



The day Pauline agreed to marry Halt was the happiest day of his life, eclipsed by the day they got married. Halt had never felt so happy in his life- Will was about to become a fully fledged ranger, Pauline was with him, and there was relative peace in Araluen- then Svengal appeared, rudely crashing their after party, bringing the news that Erak had been kidnapped in Arrida. 

Of course Will decided that he, Cassandra, and Horace would go with Gilan and the Skandians to rescue Erak. Halt didn’t want to leave Pauline, but the peaceful future of Araluen with Skandia was at stake and he was a king’s ranger first and foremost- even at times like this when he hated it. 

So that next morning, when Halt arose silently out of bed, he wasn’t surprised to see Pauline waiting for him, her arms crossed. She didn’t say a word as he grimly gathered his supplies and threw on his cloak. Pauline didn’t have to say a word because Halt could see the storm in her eyes. It scared and electrified him. Pauline didn’t say a word when Halt wrapped her up in his arms and pressed a gentle kiss on her lips. Halt didn’t say anything either when she nuzzled her face in his shoulders and stood there, simply being together. They both knew the risks of Halt’s job and the duty he had to the king. Pauline would be having words with Crowley and Duncan and Halt was glad he would be out of the country when that happened for Pauline’s wrath would be felt everywhere in Araluen. Halt loved his wife so much. 

Pauline only said one thing that morning as Halt left and it was as soft as a whisper. 

“Come back to me, my love.” 

Halt crossed the room in an instant, intensity rolling off of him. Pauline took him in her arms one last time. 

“If it is the last thing I do, I will mo bhanríon.” They had never been the casual nickname type of couple and the use of one only emphasized how the both of them were feeling. 

Halt was never the one to make promises lightly and Pauline was not one to ask for them carelessly. If she asked him for something, he would promise her the world. She had asked him to come back and despite the danger and uncertainty that the mission faced, he would come back to his wife.   
~  
It was those last words he spoke to her that Halt thought about as he was on the executioner’s block. If he was finally going to die, he wanted his last thought to be of Pauline.  
~  
Arrida was a moment of clarity for Halt as he rode through the Araluenian woods. Will had urged Halt to leave them and go on ahead so he could get back home sooner. 

As he raced towards his love, thoughts started to pile up in his head. Erak’s capture, the fragility of the treaty, the sandstorm, his almost execution… it was enough to make the old ranger think about his life.

Never a big fan of introspection, Halt preferred to live in the moment and lock the past (and any too deep thoughts) away in a small corner of his brain. One had to do something like that to cope with being a ranger and facing death everyday. Nonetheless, mere weeks after his wedding, Halt had to think over his life very carefully for his decisions no longer impacted only him. They now impacted Pauline.

Halt supposed his life had never belonged to just him, no matter what he thought. Even before he left Hibernia and met his new family,, Halt’s life was tied up with the life of Clonmel and more importantly, at least to him, it was tied up with Caitlyn’s too brief life. When Halt escaped to Araluen, he vowed that his life would be one of independence, of doing whatever he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. Then he met Pritchard who took him as an apprentice and he met Crowley who became his best friend. After that, he took Gilan as an apprentice. Years later, he met Will again and he became Halt’s latest apprentice. No matter the grumpy facade and show of liking being alone Halt had put up all these years, he realized that he had never really been alone. He had always had friends surrounding him and he had Pauline. 

Ever since the day he had met Pauline, she had been with him ever when she wasn’t there. 

Halt’s never been really bothered by death before, and he’s had many near death encounters, but when he was on the executioner’s block, an axe to his head, all he could think about was how he wasn’t ready to leave. Halt wasn’t ready to leave Will and Gilan, Crowley and Duncan, and he most certainly was not ready to leave Pauline. They had been married for barely even a day before Halt had left her. It’d been weeks and he hadn’t seen his wife. 

How could he have left his wife? How could he have left Pauline? Halt knew he was making it worse than it sounded; as much as she wanted him to stay, there was no way Pauline would have let Halt stay. Araluen and its safety came before everything else for both halves of the couple and the head courier could not encourage the second in command of the king’s rangers to disobey orders. 

A thought like a bolt of lightning struck his brain. He was not an island. Halt could no longer run around with abandon, leaving everyone behind, and he realized he no longer wanted to.

“My life no longer belongs to only me.” Halt said the words out loud, testing them in the air. They sounded… strange, but promising. Like with a new bow when you’re unaccustomed to it, but you know it will save your life. Halt said the words a little louder, with more confidence as he spoke. 

“My life no longer belongs to only me.”

Halt didn’t dare say it out loud again, he was close to the town and he had a mysterious reputation to uphold, but as he galloped through the woods to get to the castle, he was repeating the phrase in his mind. 

“My life no longer belongs to only me… My life no longer belongs to only me… My life no longer belongs to only me.”

Halt didn’t even have to go inside the castle for Pauline was waiting outside. She simply had a feeling that her husband was coming back and had taken the first break in days from her work to wait for him. 

Pauline stood tall like a statue of a queen and strode to her husband. She had waited too long and she was no longer content to push aside her feelings for the sake of Araluen. She was going to kiss Halt O’Carrick, throwing propriety out the window. 

The couple embraced like this was their first and last time together. Few words were spoken in order not to spoil this moment, but Halt knew what he needed to say. 

“Mo bhanríon, my life is no longer my own.” Halt’s voice was husky with emotion and it sounded wonderful to Pauline. Her husband was back, safe and sound. 

Pauline glanced at Halt and smiled, slow and content. She knew what Halt was saying.

“We now share our lives, something we will have to work on, my love.” 

With that, Pauline dipped the shorter man back and leaned into Halt for a kiss. Halt was stunned only for a second before relaxing in the embrace of his wife.


End file.
